Content-type: text/html Ray Manning

Sunday, November 26, 2001 7:39 AM

Thanksgiving Weekend


Throughout the Thanksgiving weekend, there are telephone calls from Dao on Tuesday night ("Yes, we'll go for a day hike on Saturday."), Wednesday night, Thursday morning, Friday morning, and Saturday morning. As well as an email that says "I was thinking about you a lot....I miss you and your hobbies in the diary". But there is always a reason as to why we cannot get together for even an hour for lunch or for a walk. This means that the four day weekend is kinda upset because I have turned down a number of invitations (ice hockey game, flying, riding) for him.

Thanksgiving day sees two dinners: one at Mom and Dad's house (whos kids I used to babysit) and one from Joe and Daniel (two Vietnamese friends who want to have a traditional Thanksgiving dinner). At each dinner either I volunteer or am singled out to say grace before dinner. This is especially NOT a problem this year because I have been having overwhelming feelings and thoughts of thanks this year. I copy myself at the second dinner when I include "Thanks for our friends who cry with us when we cry and rejoice with us when we rejoice." From the bottom of my heart.

Saturday I get out for a good bicycle ride and conclude it just before the rain starts. And later I go for a good run and manage to miss the rain again. Though in the afternoon I stand out on the porch and watch, listen to, and smell the hard, pounding rain.

Sunday I go for a good run (7 miles) in the morning, go to work at TRW, go home and read the paper, and finally go to the Library coffeehouse in Long Beach to finish the paper and work on some things on the laptop computer. And I have a stunning realization. (Actually I have three!)

In the past, Dao has mentioned (at least twice) how he spent hours on a Christmas Eve waiting in the yard of a boyfriend to come home so that he could give him his Christmas present. And everytime that I imagine him waiting alone in the yard, tears well up in my eyes. All of us have been there before (though maybe not the exact circumstances) and know what it feels like. Though for Dao this Christmas Eve was ten years ago.

And the first stunning realization that I have is that Dao has never gotten over that Christmas Eve from ten years ago. Ten f@*$&#& years ago! And now I realize why he's scared to get hurt, scared to get close to somebody, scared to get involved, won't accept help from people, and tries to keep pushing people away or keep them at a distance. The hurt from ten years ago, ten f@*$&#& years ago, is still there and impacting his relationships.

With this realization I completely understand his behavior over the past few weeks. It doesn't excuse it, but at least I know where it is coming from.

I've accepted that we would just be friends. But, in reality, I don't really expect him to call again. And that would be okay if that's what he wants. But then I won't get the chance to say to him things that need to be said (some good, some neutral, some bad) in order for me to obtain a sense of closure.

The second stunning realization that I have while sitting in the Library coffeehouse is that you can always tell when junkies start using again because they start losing weight. And, conversely, you can tell when they've quit because they gain a lot of weight (ala John Belushi and Robin Williams back in the 80's.)

The third stunning realization that I have is that I am absolutely bored to death of closed fitness systems and the simulation/optimization of them. Boring! I want to work on open fitness, self-constructing systems that are far from equilibrium. Systems that evolve and emerge towards the liquid edge of chaos as they self organize to match their genetic makeup as well as their external environment. I'll have to talk to my Boss at TRW about this.

Do you know what the wind chill factor for riding a motorcycle at 100 mph and 44 degrees is? Very cold! But on this Monday morning it is invigorating.