I fly off to Denver on Tuesday for a Wednesday morning meeting.
Unbeknownst to me, on Monday the KM searches the UCI websites, finds Dao's telephone number, and calls him. Though they cannot talk right then, they do have a long conversation later that night. The KM's intent was to let Dao know that the KM had been taking up a lot of my emotional capacity with the breakup.
On Wednesday I am on an airplane returning to Los Angeles. And I have a revelation. The last six months have been nasty for me in terms of using up my emotional capability with other people's problems. (Probably because I'm usually a good listener.)
There's the coworker whos wife of 40 years left him. He's been in my office regularly with the latest: she left me, she came back last night, she left the keys on the table and isn't there anymore, she's back and wants to try couple's counseling, she left for Vegas with the other guy. My coworker is a friend of 15 years and so I've tried my best to identify and help him with his feelings.
There's the friend whos father is dying and everyday is another report: He went to the hospital, he's in a coma, he's out of the coma, he's on life support, he's off the respirator, and he's coming home. And when my coworker asked me, "You know about DNA and biology and medicine. How long do you think it will be before my father goes back to work?", I flash back to when my dad was dying. I had just arrived from LA to Michigan, went straight to the hospital, and visited my dad who now weighed half as much as he used to. I asked him "How are you doing?" and when he mumbled "Not very good" I knew things were bad because that was the first time that I ever heard him say that. And my mom takes me aside and because she respects my opinion more than anyone asks "How long do you think it will be before dad comes home?" [How do you answer these questions when you know the answer but it is NOT the answer that the asker has even considered?]
There's the breakup of the relationship with the KM. Of which enough has been written so I won't go into that here.
There's the friend who has been lingering near death for the last few months. I've been expecting a phone call every night for the last few months saying that he is gone.
Add in Kel's death (a coworker who I spent the last two years working with side by side) and memorial, Steve A's father's death, and Donna O's mom's death, and you have a fair amount of emotional trauma.
All of these events (except Kel's death) have been since May 2001. And I have not had the time to deal with these because we were working long hours in June, July, and August for the Aura modal survey and sine test. And then I worked the 46 consecutive 12 hours days for the Aqua thermal vacuum test. When I went on "Practice Retirement" I was ripe for emotions to overwhelm me.
My emotions and feelings WAY overreacted in the other direction when I met Dao because, finally, something good had happened and it was going to wipe away all of the emotional trauma of the last six months without me having to deal with it.
But that is not the way that things work. And I finally realize that on Wednesday afternoon on the airplane. I also realize that I need time to grieve and mourn.
Wednesday night the KM calls and tells me about his finding Dao and calling him. I'm confused. I am utterly confused. Finally I ask the questions "Did you tell the truth as you know it?", "Did you have good intentions in your heart?" When the KM answers appropriately to each question, I respond with "Then what's the problem?"
It turns out that the KM and Dao hit it off well (as could be expected).
Thursday at work I can take it no longer and call TRW's Employee Assistance program to find a counselor to speak with. They give me three listings and I call each. Only to be told that they are not taking new patients. I call Employee Assistance and ask for more referrals. I call each of them and am told that they are taking no new patients.
This is an omen. It is my problem. I have to solve it. The important thing is that I now know what the problem is.
I am near or at tears most of Thursday and Friday at work. I don't know why, but the tears tend to clear up when somebody walks in (not that I really care) and asks me a question. And I pull out the tissue, wipe my eyes, and answer the questions.
Friday night I lift weights, walk the dog, and wash the motorcycle. And head to the Frat House. I just need to be held tonight. It (almost) doesn't matter by who, I just need to be held. I also know, unfortunately, of what I'll have to do in return.
I run into Brandon and Paul (the guy that ChiChi dumped me for) and we have interesting conversations about various trivial details of life. Brandon leaves early because he has to work the next day. I have selected a number of candidates and start working on one. (I am glad tonight that the friend of a friend of a friend, who has been fairly aggressive towards me lately, is not here.) We get past the preliminaries, come to an agreement, finish the negotiations, and decide that it is time to leave. At the very last minute I decide that I cannot do this because it is just going to be more confusing. And would only be covering the feelings and emotions that I have and should deal with with more emotions and feelings.
I leave alone. I'm asleep by 2am Saturday morning.