Content-type: text/html Ray Manning

Sunday, November 5, 2001 7:09 AM

Emotions Running Wild

It is a terrible first week back from practice retirement.

It is terrible in that I forget my networking password and use up all of my "free tries", it is terrible in that I forget how all of my scripts to automate tasks work ("Who in the hell wrote these intricate scripts?"), and it is terrible in that I manage to disappoint people via lack of communication and people skills. I hate disappointing people.

On the plus side, I do get some technical work done after recalling my password and figuring out how the scripts work.

The KM calls on Wednesday and we have an hour long discussion about relationships, feelings, and futures.

The KM calls on Friday and we have an hour long discussion about relationships, feelings, and futures.

Seeing that I hear nothing from Dao regarding the weekend's activities, I go down to the Frat House on Friday night and see Brandon and Joe and the friend of a friend of a friend who is now being even more friendly. There's a reasonable crowd, but Andy is no longer DJ'ing and the guy who is is playing two year old crap music. I leave early and am in bed by 12:30 am Saturday.

Saturday is a busy day preparing to leave town. There's a bicycle ride, laundry, wedding shopping (for two past weddings), frame shopping, window shopping, and a visit to a toxic waste cleanup to properly dispose of old paint and batteries.

In the midst of the busy Saturday, the KM calls and says that he is in Long Beach and that he needs to see me. We have a 45 minute discussion about relationships, feelings, and futures.

All of the discussions with the KM are part of the healing and recovery process (for both of us actually) and so I accommodate him. I want to be friends with him and have great conversations about cycling kinematics, muscle physiologic responses, and injury rehabiliation.

Amongst the activity on Saturday is a wildly emotional day. Between the KM visit (and recent telephone calls) and no word from Dao, emotions are running wild. Finally, when I can take it no longer, I take the box of chocolates that I bought for Dao and drive them down to his Irvine apartment with a card that simply says "I am sorry". I am afraid.

Sunday, after a wet run (because I don't want to ride the bicycles in the rain), I go to the stabilizing environment of TRW. I manage to make some good headway on some technical problems. I get a telephone call from Dao and now I'm headed down to Irvine.

We have a lousy lunch. The lunch is lousy partly due to my emotionally fragile state and partly due to mediocre food and lousy service. Afterwards we go for a long walk in a nature preserve and lay down some relationship groundrules. I feel better, though it is unclear how things will shake out of the situation.

Some Kava root extract taken on Sunday night helps me make up for the last few nights of lost sleep, crying, and confusion.